Mahal kita pero,

Pagod na ko,

Ayoko na,

Mga katagang laging namumutawi sa aking labi

Masyado ako nabighani sa mga pahaging mo na akala ko ay magtatagal

Mga salita na akala ko ay katotohanan ay pawang panlilinlang lamang

Mga kilos na akala mo’y katiwa-tiwala bagkus sa likod nito’y kasinungalingan lamang

Lahat ng ito’y napagtanto ko na

Ngunit parang di pa rin ako nagigising sa katotohanan

Pilit na binibuhay ang sarili sa isang kasinungalingan

Wala kang kasalanan, ako ito ang dapat sisishin

Umaasang mag-iba ang ihip ng ating mundong ginagalawan

Hanggang kailan nga ba ako magpapabihag sa mundo ng kahibangan

Hanggang kailan ko sasambitin ang mga katagang, “Ayoko na”at “Pagod na ako”

Hanggang kailan ko iiyakan ang isang taong na walang pakialam sayo

Hanggang kailan ko kayang tiisin ang sariling kong kaligayahan 

Hanggang saan aabot ang pagiging tanga ng aking pag-ibig sayo

Mahal pa rin kita pero….

Taking the risk

I love you, means I should take the risk

Risk of bearing all the hurt

Risk of robbed happiness

Risk of being dump off someday

Risk of having unreturned feelings

Risk of not being somebody’s priority

Thank you for our silver time

When I first meet people, I’m often fascinated by the reason, by the possibility, by the promise of their purpose in my life. I catch myself wondering why we met the way we did, how our paths even bumped into each another, and whether or not that moment held significance.

After time, it’s even more exciting to look back. To see the reason, to see what that little slice of time meant for me or for them, for our growth, for the way we changed and shifted and learned and became different people.

But with you, I wasn’t sure what to think.

We found each other by accident—smiles shared across a crowded room, a little too much flirting, one too many drinks. I didn’t know whether you’d just be a blip on my timeline, or make some sort of impact. And at the time I didn’t know which I wanted.

All I knew was I liked the way you made me feel.

But we became something more. Time shifted in our wake, our paths readjusted to make room for one another, and I found myself falling into your pattern, matching step for step. You fell into my rhythm, too. You walked to my beat, rewrote some lines in your story to make sense in my pages.

We made it work, almost unconsciously. Until one day we woke up and realized this was love. This was how two people fell into one another—unintentional, easy, beautiful.

But we were messy, too. We fought like hell and stood our ground. We pushed and shoved our stubbornness down one another’s throats, then kissed the pain away.

We loved. We loved like hell.

But it wasn’t enough.

And sometimes when I think about it too much, I get so angry. Because I truly believed we could have been something. If we wanted it. If we pushed a little more, tried a little harder, gave a tiny bit of ourselves up for one another, for us.

But time and distance got the best of us.

And we both slipped into the shadows of each other’s lives.

I used to hate you for it. I used to blame you for the ways you didn’t measure up to the man I knew you had the potential to be. I used to be so upset over the promises you made that you didn’t keep.

Then I romanticized you, made you larger than life, wrote you to life in my journals, over and over again, wishing I could somehow rewind and bring you back to me. Bring it all back to how it was, as if it was perfect.

But we were never perfect.
And in the back of my mind I knew better.

Now, I watch the sunset. Now, I dream of a different love, a future love, a future life—maybe this one without you in it. Now I smile at the memory of us and I know I could never hate you, no matter how hard I try.

See, it doesn’t matter what happened between us, all the ways we fell apart, or even how we let go. Because I’ll forever be thankful for our little slice of time. You will always be a part of me, who I was and am.

I’ll always remember the way we kissed, the way we laughed, the way we were so young and dumb but believed something greater than ourselves. I’ll always hold our memories close—the places we traveled, the things we said, the poetry I wrote about your hand in mine.

I’ll forever be thankful for the way you helped to build me, to empower me, to teach me that love was possible, even though it’s hard.

I’ll always be thankful for the sliver of time I shared with you, despite the impermanence—because it was real.

So do I regret it, regret us, wish I could go back and change the way we ended? Maybe in some ways I always will, but I’m letting go now. I know that fate and faith will bring us together if that’s where we’re meant to be, and I’m not bitter anymore. Do I wish I could rewind and pull you back into my arms, kiss your lips one more time, say I’m sorry for being selfish? Maybe sometimes I do. But I think you know that. I hope you know that. I hope you know we’re apart for a reason, and that time will speak its truths to us eventually.

Do I wish I could tell you one last thing, give you one last memory to be forever imprinted in your mind? Yes, and I’d tell you this: What we had was real and messy and painful and beautiful. And no matter how far we’ve wandered from one another, and no matter how far we are still, I’ll always be thankful for you, and for every part of us. 

Martyr

​You know she’s real when you and her are unofficial and she’s still loyal to you. You know she’s real when you’re unsure about how you feel about her and she’s still waiting for you. You know she’s real when you tend to push her away and she still keeps coming back. You know she’s real when you would lie to her and she still tries to trust you again. You know she’s real when you would talk to other girls and she’s still wouldn’t talk to other guys just to get even. You know she’s real when you would hurt her and she’s still caring about you as if it never happened. If you got a girl like that, then you got a good one and I suggest you make it official already.

Pagmamahal

​Mahal ko? Oo, sobra! 
“Pwede pala ‘yung maling tao sa ‘di tamang panahon”
Taong pinagkaitan ng pagkakataon magmahal
Taong nagbigay kulay sa mundong pawala na
Nagbigay ngiti sa pagkakataong magkasama
Sayang hindi mo naranasan sa kahit na sinuman
Alam na mali ang panahon
Na magulo ang sitwasyon
Bawal na pagmamahal
Ngunit magulo man dito natin nahanap ang saya
Dito natin nabuo ang mga tawa
Dito naramdaman nating di tayo nag iisa
Naramdamang may taong nagpapahalaga sayo 
Pero ang tanong ko,
Ano nga pala siya sayo?
Nga pala, Mahal na Mahal ka nya. 

The Honest truth about her

The honest truth is she spends more time thinking about you than she’d ever admit.

The honest truth is if you knew how much time she spent talking about you, you’d hear nothing but good things. But you’d probably get as annoyed as her friends do.

The honest truth is if you knew you were every first thought in the morning and every last one at night maybe you’d feel less alone as you lay awake at night.

The honest truth is she barely sleeps because she’s caught somewhere between love and heartbreak. Racking her brain wondering about you and if it’s all in her head but wanting what she feels to be true.

All her best friends know you. From the moment you came into her life, the tone she spoke in was always a little different. Every look was a little more intense. And whether they wanted her to fall for you or not, they look at you a little skeptical because they don’t want to be the one who has to pick her up after all of this.

The honest truth is she cares about you. She cares more than she ever expected and as much as it might scare you, it scares her even more.

I know you see it.

With every kind gesture and every kind word that comes out of her mouth, it’s impossible not to feel it.

Every hug lingers a little longer. Every smile is a little bigger when you’re around. Everything comes back to you.

Every text gets answered quickly. And the honest truth is if you reached out to her first it would make her day.

Every first like may always be her. But the honest truth is you don’t see her face light up when it’s your name that appears on her screen.

Every snap gets opened quickly. There isn’t a story she’s missed watching. What you don’t see is she’s interested in your life but more than that wants to be a part of it.

She answers even when you don’t. She gives even when you aren’t reciprocating it.

But even the best people get tired.

She’s tired of giving the best of herself even though you didn’t ask for it. She’s tired of hoping you wake one day and realize what she’s realized from the moment she met you. She’s tired of trying to prove she’s the one good enough for you.

But she sticks it out because she thinks you’re worth it. Even when her friends tell her she’s wasting her time and deserves more or someone better. She doesn’t want better she wants you and only you.

The honest truth is her confidence has been shaken a bit with you.

But there’s going to a be a day where she realizes there’s nothing more she can do. There is going to be a day where she walks away. And it’ll break her heart to do so but it’s more heartbreaking standing in front of that same person every day and with uncertainty.

And when her silence makes you wonder and your phone hasn’t gone off with her name remember all she did before. You’re going to wonder if she still cares. And maybe you’ll send a text just to see if she answers. The honest truth is if she gets to a point where she’s strong enough to ignore you like you did so often with her, it’ll kill her.

You’re going to assume she’s moved on and maybe met someone else. But the truth is no matter how many days pass, she’s probably still thinking about you. She probably still checks your social media from time to time, even though she hasn’t liked anything. Maybe her name no longer appears when you make a story but she wants to look at it. Maybe she doesn’t come around like she used to with no explanation as to why. And she’s probably stopped talking about you to her friends.

The honest truth is it’s probably breaking her heart only she won’t admit it.

This silence is her loudest scream that she misses you and wants you back in her life. But she’s caught somewhere between missing you and respecting herself enough not to show it.

The honest truth is she misses you more than anyone but she’s waiting for you to miss her back. 

Surviving from unrequited love

​This is why you should fall for someone who doesn’t love you.
Let the agony, the obsession, consume you. Nothing hurts quite as exquisitely as loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
After surviving that kind of ache, you’ll be so much stronger, so much more certain of yourself. You’ll see that all pain (physical, emotional, and metal) is a temporary state of being, not a permanent one. There is always a reason to go on, always a reason to fight for yourself.
Getting over unrequited love feels like having a blindfold removed – you suddenly see all the love you’ve had in your life this whole time, and you’ll appreciate those individuals like never before. You will be humbled, you will be grateful, you will be wiser.
Here’s the best part, about getting over someone who doesn’t love you: you realize that nobody healed your heartache, that you were able to fix yourself on your own. And once you’ve proven to yourself that you can recover from it, you won’t be afraid to go looking for love again.
And again, and again and again.
And one of those times, you’re bound to be rewarded with someone who reciprocates every ounce of your unbridled affection, who loves you just as much as you love them, and that will be the most supreme feeling you can fathom. You’ll see that loving someone who didn’t love you back was totally worth it.